Heavy topic for a Thursday late night/Friday early morning I know. As I sit listening to Adele, unable to sleep for the like fourth night in a row, it was an important topic on my mind (curse you Adele). It is also a topic which I realized, I have yet to talk about. This I thought was ridiculous. Haven’t we all been here? Maybe it’s just me, but on the off chance that someone might read this and go “thank goodness, I thought it was just me”, I’ll say it all anyway.
Life after love:
First of all, what a privilege. What a miracle to have witnessed the beautiful thing that is love. Even if it ended in a pile of broken pieces of the “us” that once was. Love can be felt in so many different ways, there’s no right way to love. How can anyone even begin to define it?
I could try:
It’s the slow motion movie like moment, watching them laugh, seeing it all happen like a dream. It’s their eyes, and seeing through them. It’s running down stairs barely able to breath, laughing so hard you need to stop for a break on the couch only to be assaulted by a body fitting perfectly over yours. It’s dozens of pictures where you both aren’t looking at the camera. It’s knowing smiles across rooms. It’s hands on smalls of backs and kisses on foreheads. It’s secret places and finishing sentences without words. It’s fighting because there’s something worth fighting for. It’s passionate and desperate. It’s loud voices but soft kisses.
It’s never the same twice.
Does it ever really happen twice?
The truth is, this could all be a lie. I can’t know what love is like for you, I guess I can never know if I’ve really felt it. Can any of us? What if what we felt was an almost love, and the real thing is out there but we can’t know it, because we haven’t felt it yet?
Tough stuff I know.
What happens when we’ve felt our version of love, and then, it ends? The audacity! The nerve of that love. I’ve read the fairy tales, I’ve seen the movies. Love is forever. How on earth could mine have disappeared?
How do I learn to live without it?
All fantastic questions that I unfortunately have no answers to.
But as per usual, I have a few things to say:
It sucks. Yeah, I admitted it. It hurts like a b****. Out there believers are gasping “No Cassey, it’ll all work out”. And I’m saying “And what if it doesn’t?”
It sounds easy to get over someone, maybe it is for some people. I don’t necessarily think it’s so hard to move on from the person, no matter how wonderful they were. Rather, I think as humans what we struggle with, is getting over the loss of something.
I am a hoarder of things, of clothes, of memories. I am also a hoarder of emotions, I am a hoarder of my feelings. Once I get used to having something steady in my life, it fluidly becomes engrained in my routine. Having someone to call at any time of the night. Someone to make you feel beautiful, someone to tell you you’re wonderful. Someone who will challenge you to be a better you. Having someone to tell you stories to, and to hear stories from. Having someone you know that cares, and being that person for someone else.
And then suddenly it’s all gone. Now what?
Those sleepless nights are going to be hard, they might not stop after a week, or even a year. Those places might never be anything but broken memories, those songs never just a song again.
I’d love to say I have the answers but to be honest I really don’t. All I know is that you will be okay. Sometimes you won’t believe that and that’s okay. It is okay, to not feel okay. You’ll have to find yourself again, you’ll have to remember how to be your own “us”. You’ll find the beauty in yourselves, you’ll find the wonder in yourselves. You’ll see all there is to see in the world. Someday you might find someone who can do that for you again, until then:
You can be all that for yourselves. I’m not there yet, I don’t know if I’m even close. Don’t get the wrong idea that I have my life together or something. But I’m on my way to that place. The journey, long and rough as it is, has taught me a lot so far. I have no doubt it’ll teach you something about yourself too.
Be your person,