An open letter: To the ones that always try

We all know the people, the relationship savers, the “clingers”, the passionate, caring, kind people. The people who try their fair share, or maybe even a little bit more in relationships (friendly or romantic). The ones who you may think simply don’t get the hint that you don’t want them around. The people pleaser say heart, that want to have good experiences with everyone. Maybe you are this person, maybe you are the opposite of these people. We all know them too. The ones who only care when it’s convenient, who never text you first. The ones who never keep conversations going, and never initiate meeting up. Either way, this is for you.

So a relationship begins. It starts with an introduction, and eventually it either ends, or it continues to acquaintances. You like spending time with this person, so you try to get to know them better. You’ll text them often, you’ll make sure to say “hi” when you see them in the halls of school, or out at the mall. You ask them about their life, you genuinely like to know how they’re doing. You start to really like being around this person.

You hang out a lot for a while, you consider it to be a good friendship. You start to assume that the other person likes spending time with you too.

You work hard to keep the relationship going, but have trouble. They don’t seem to return your texts, they claim they never got them, they make excuses why they didn’t answer. They seem to avoid you now, or are you paranoid? They never want to hang out anymore unless it’s convenient for them. You don’t hear from them for weeks at a time, when you do it’s because they want something. You start to get upset. You wonder what you’ve done wrong, you worry you’ve upset or offended them. You overthink things, over analyze them. You start to think you’ve done something to make the relationship end, but you can’t figure out what. You try harder to hold onto the relationship, bending over backwards to do nice things for the person. You let them take and take and take from you while receiving nothing.

You start to feel bad about yourself, that you’re unwanted.

Stop.

This is where you are going to do the wrong thing. This is where you want to try harder, where you blame yourself for screwing this up, where you try to change yourself so that they like you more. This is where you think that the way you feel is wrong. Where you feel you are wrong.

This is where you take things personally that aren’t actually personal.

Sometimes this is where you diet, maybe more than you should. Sometimes this is where you buy different clothes. Sometimes this is where you stop saying or doing things you like. Sometimes this is where you stifle yourself.

You are good enough exactly how you are. If anyone makes you feel like you are unwanted, leave. It’s hard to do, trust me I know, I’m not saying it will be easy.

Let them go.

If you want to know if a flakey person is a true friend, stop texting them for a while. You’ll probably find if you don’t text them first you won’t hear from them. This might sting, I’m sure it will.

Let them go.

I know you and I have been on both sides of this situation, as most of us have even without realizing. I’m sorry if I’ve ever done this to anyone, it’s not that we ever mean to. Sometimes life just happens, it’s no one’s fault.

But remember: You do not need anyone in your life who doesn’t want you in theirs. You are wonderful, beautiful, kind and interesting. Surround yourself with people that make you feel that way and let them know how much they mean to you.

Since I started doing that I am much happier and I promise you will be too.

xo

CL

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